We haven't been properly introduced, you and I.
Granted, we've bumped each other many-a-time and made one another quite uncomfortable, I'm sure. You've made me marvel in wonder and I have been the only world you've ever known. You know me as safety and warmth and I know you as the little wriggly one who has changed my whole perception of what it means to live in the first place.
But we haven't been formally introduced. And until that moment comes, who you are and how God formed you is yet to be revealed. And that makes this whole thing feel a bit, well, surreal. Unreal? Like a huge tsunami on the horizon yet to hit, my mind and heart are at a bit of a loss as to what to think/feel/prepare for.
And you will learn that about me. I tend to be influenced heavily by the way I feel. It is both a gift and a curse, as Satan has learned to use it against me and against the ones who surround me. And God is slowly chipping away and healing the bad parts of it. I have no doubts He will use you as a tool in His tool belt to do so even more.
I can't come to know who you are, just yet, and it will only be revealed in time. But let me give you a quick introduction to who I am - this body and shelter and imperfect creation that has housed you your whole life thus far.
I am a constant flux between daughter and leader. A dancing care-free child taking in all the world's beauty and a go-getting achiever who loves to check off a list and accomplish a goal to it's perfect end.
A people-pleaser. A wound and a gift, but mostly a wound. As I hope to teach you, God didn't create your marvelous being so that you could spend your precious time here pleasing everyone else. And yet, so many of my actions in life have been motivated by just that. It causes me to be angry with others for not being "as 'considerate' as I would have been", and it makes me unleash stress-related short temperedness on anyone who gets in the way of me pleasing whomever I feel I must please - a teacher, a coach, society as a whole, friends, parents, family. But it also has taught me the value of paying attention to those around me. Watching and observing so as to better love them.
I am a Beloved. First and foremost. Full stop. Nothing else matters. It is my sole identity and the only thing that makes life worth living at all.
Without this identity as a Beloved Daughter of the One Who Made Us Both, I would be CONSTANTLY grasping to prove my own worth, meaning, value, and identity. And believe me, I have tried. Tried to find it in people, my appearance, my grades, my job, my boyfriend, my marriage, my friendships, my ability to please others, sports. The thing is... all of it fails, eventually. So there I would find myself, without meaning and having to fight to prove that I have meaning/value/purpose.
Now, we NEED meaning and value and purpose. But you already have it. You've had it from the day you were conceived. You are loved. You are the object of a Love that you and I cannot fathom. You are the sole receiver of the love of The Creator of The World. And that is what it means to be a Beloved. It cannot be taken from you and you cannot lose it, even if you try. It is your identity. And it is mine.
I am deeply moved and madly in love with Jesus Christ and our Catholic Faith. But you may already know this as you have attended an innumerable number of daily masses and received Jesus with me an innumerable number of times. This is what and who's I am before all else. Before I am your dad's wife, or your mother, or a people pleaser... I am this.
Because as you will also learn, this world is merely a waiting room for the Party Room. And it is short. And it is a marvelous waiting room. But it cannot be the source of your joy, hope, or happiness. It can ONLY be an added bonus to the fullness of joy, hope, and happiness that lives in the walls of those Catholic Churches and goes by the name of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist.
I have never found more peace, joy, solace, or love anywhere. And I have never had it taken from me. I have walked away. But never has He withheld His love from me like fickle humans do (and like I will probably do to you, so forgive me).
I swear like a sailor when I am mad, upset, or something doesn't go the way I want. No one would know but Jesus, and probably you. But I do. Impatience, darling. I wrestle with it often.
I am deeply moved by nature and beauty. I hope to die outside or in a church building when my time comes because it brings me right to the heart of the Creator and I can rest there.
Walks. I love walks. And peanut butter. I really truly hope you don't have a nut allergy.
I feel very young and yet very old for my age. This world tires me as it pulls on the strings of anxiety and confuses people by thinking that how we *feel* should determine everything and determine right and wrong. Your dad, Greg, has been the biggest blessing to help me unlearn this lie.
Feelings are a gift - and I am sure you will get your fair share of emotional sensitivity from me - but they are a horrible master. And if everyone determines right and wrong based on how they feel, right and wrong doesn't exist anymore. And now you know why I say I feel old. This is the type of stuff grandpas say, I think. I blame your dad.
When I say I feel very young, I mean that in the anxious part of my mind (a part covered in healing but will never cease to rear it's head every once in a while) I worry whether or not I am ready to be what they call a "mom". I know my own selfishness. I know my tendency to be upset when things don't go my way. But I also know that Jesus made me for this. He made me to carry you.
He didn't just make me to "be a mom", though. He made me to be YOUR mom, in the particular. However you are and with all that I am, He made us each other. A bond that I cannot fully comprehend yet, but I know will be my salvific-saving-grace and the greatest joy of my life.
Here we are. Our formal introduction still yet to come, and all of these quirks, gifts, and weakness of mine to be revealed to you in time.
But dear little one, know this. You are loved without reason. You do not need to prove yourself worthy of love by "good" behavior, achievements, or any other trait. I am going to fight to show you that. And I know God will be powerfully revealing the same holds true for me in His Eyes. Your daughterhood will undoubtedly revive my own daughterhood.
And so... a little trembly, but mostly full hope and excitement and amazement, I will be waiting for you on this side so we can be properly introduced. The world is lucky to have you.
Love,
Mom
Also, thank you to Rachel Moore for the wonderful pics. Find her at https://www.rachelmoorephoto.co/
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