It is so much easier to write about a moment of struggle once it is a moment of hindsight. It is so much easier to write about how good and necessary the suffering and growth was once you are basking in the peaceful glory of the suffering being over.
It's a convicting irony as I ready my own writings. It is convicting as I reflect on the knowledge and encouragement I have shared with others who are in the midst of their seasons of suffering, calmly cooing that "Jesus is going to take care of you."
I would share about my own seasons of suffering and how beautifully redemptive they were... how I couldn't have learned what I learned, or grown into who I am, or become as trusting or loving had I not walked through those darker days. I sit in my rays of hindsight sunshine, and it all seems so obvious. It all makes so much sense. It all sounds so holy, lovely, and grand.
But what about the moments when hindsight hasn't kicked in yet?
What about the times, like these, when I am smack in the middle of the darkness? What about the times when the uncertainties are piled higher than I can climb and I have no control over how they unfold in the coming months?
What about the times when my anxious thoughts get the best of me and I find myself stuck in that sticky, dark, terrible spiral of "what ifs" that leaves me with 60 worst case scenarios and a heart, mind, and body feeling rather despairing?
Does the suffering / growth / things Jesus has allowed to take place feel similar to when I speak about them from a place of glorious peaceful hindsight-trust?
No. It feels icky.
And friends, I am in it. Currently, there are so many uncontrollable events happening in both my life and my fiancé's life that I am battling most days to keep my head above that anxious swirl of thoughts. I am fighting and losing very often. I am also winning more than I ever have before.
But the point is this. We don't write or talk about the redemptive suffering when we are in it, because it feels better and seems like a better idea when we aren't having to live through the suffering part. It feels and seems like a better idea when we are living with the results.
So here's what I am learning in my current moment of struggle, with no hindsight in sight:
1. Jesus is using Greg and I's engagement as the "Lent" of marriage. Purifying, refining, and testing the vessel in which he is about to put the greatest and most challenging gift - Vocation as the road to Sanctification.
2. Sometimes, you just need to find ways to stop thinking.
3. Gratitude in the littlest things is important, even if it doesn't make you "feel" better.
4. Jesus is supporting me in my weakness and sufferings and it is important to see how he is loving me in all my "Anna-isms" and things that I love. He doesn't leave us void of good things.
5. Learning to cope with uncertain changes basically just means leaning on Jesus, keeping your eyes on the small bubble of things you can control, doing those well, and saying "Jesus, take care of it" for the rest.
6. I have let my joy be determined by my security and my work rather than by Jesus's gentle love and presence each moment. And he is breaking me of that.
7. My biggest wound is my fear that I won't be taken care of. From that fear flows every other sin, distrust (of Jesus and others), anxiety, fear, anger, impatience... you get the point. But I now know what the biggest wound I have is called. And that is a big step.
Friends, don't just share the suffering from the hindsight view. Because it is still good, and hard, and real, and humanly beautiful to be vulnerable that you are struggling, and you aren't out of it yet. We need stories that are the current battle cries of our hearts, not just the polished results of the victorious win wrapped in a bow.
// The sun.... it doesn't cause us to grow. It is the rain that will strengthen your soul. It will make you whole. // - The Oh Hellos
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