Fear. Worry. Anger. Anxiety.
These feelings pop into my body as quickly as we went on lock-down. About .02 seconds.
These feelings come without warning. Usually they are triggered by something I see or some thought that pops into my mind - completely unwelcome.
However, it didn’t just take a pandemic for me to be that way.
While the pandemic, the theories, the uncertainty, and complete loss of control (which we never really had) certainly doesn’t help the frequency of those waves of feeling and unwelcome thoughts, I’ve held those feelings as bitter enemies for…
a very long time.
And yesterday, walking around an abandoned 4 mile beach-loop, jumping over huge crevices in the ground and trudging through sand soon-to-be full of lake water, the man walking with me (okay, its Greg… ya caught me) spoke truth into some serious lies I had been holding about those feelings.
There was a few times, looking at the crumpled-up sand and peaceful water, I could’ve sworn Jesus was walking with us, watching me wipe some tears (and a lil bit of snot) as a part of my heart was cracked open and revealed to me.
You see, somewhere along the way as I was learning about Divine Mercy, Trust in the Lord, “Do not be afraid”, and all the repetitions of “Jesus I trust in You”, I seemed to form the idea that if I ever FELT anxious/worrisome/stressed/fearful, I was failing.
If that wave of emotion came over me, I had already failed to Trust Jesus.
If I felt anxious or worried when a thought popped into my head, I wasn’t “good enough” at relying on Jesus’s love and providence.
If I felt anxiety, and especially if I felt it multiple times a day, if tears came, if I felt upset many times that day… I was not as Holy as I should be.
The feelings that come - which I cannot control - and the thoughts that enter my mind - which I also cannot control - determined my “level” of holiness, goodness, and “daughter-ness” with the Father.
This, friends, is the trap I have been in until literally last night, and will continue to fight for a while (habits, ya know?)
You see, this is how it would go:
I have a negative thought or feeling due to something I see/hear etc.
I recognize that it is anxiety/worry/fear
I instantly beat myself up for falling prey to anxiety when I know I should trust Jesus
I become despairing about my holiness and decide I am not good enough, or not as good at trusting as I should be
I push myself back from Jesus’s arms and start to worry more
I am now 1. Still anxious 2. Despairing about being so
And this friends, is a buncha lies.
Your ability to trust Jesus is NOT dependent upon how you FEEL.
Saints felt fear. Saints felt sad. Saints felt worried.
Saints felt all the feelings. And it didn’t mean they didn’t Trust Jesus. It didn’t mean they weren’t Saints.
Saints felt all the feelings and THEN they decided how to act. We trust Jesus in our actions.
We cannot always control our feelings. They come and go. Same with our thoughts. But, we can control our reactions to them.
That is where Jesus is waiting for us, watching as we learn to trust Him.
There are, in fact, bad choices one can make when you feel those feelings that prove your (my) distrust in the Lord.
Bad Reactions:
turning to distractions (Netflix, people as distraction, Instagram, porn, TV, sports)
numbing it (drugs, sex, alcohol, emotional eating)
over-controlling other areas of life (body image, new clothes, online presence, art, perceived perfection, cleaning the house, working out too much, becoming a work-a-holic)
despairing (thinking on all the worst possibilities, only thinking about that anxiety or worry, letting your mind take you on a spiral of bad thoughts, revisiting all your bad thoughts, deciding it will not work out for you, deciding you will not be happy)
Good Reactions:
Feeling the feelings and acknowledging them
Crying if you need to
Taking 2 minutes to yourself
Using mindfulness
Using counseling tools or prayers to picture giving your worries to Jesus
Praying the rosary
Thinking up all the other possibilities (other than the worst one)
Putting the worries in a “worry box” only to be pulled out and talked about at a specific time with a specific person
Talking it out
Using tools as often as the thoughts/feelings come
Going on a prayer run/workout/walk
Adoration and scripture meditation
In time, by practicing those “good reactions” to negative feelings the Lord can mold and change our hearts and brains so that the feelings/thoughts actually stop coming up quite as often.
However, if they resurface due to a new issue or experience - you have NOT failed to trust Jesus.
Let me say it over you, and me, one more time…
Feeling anxious, feeling stressed or upset, thinking a worried thought DOES NOT mean that you are failing to Trust Jesus.
It is an invitation to do so.
So, when you are feeling all the feelings, be honest about the bad reactions you have and the “bad” actions you tend to choose… which reflect a lack of trust in Jesus.
Make a list of all the good ones, too. Start using them!!
And know, little soul, the Lord sees you. He sees your little heart bombarded by so many scary situations. He sees the way that those waves of worry topple into your mind, like an unruly wave. And He sees you, reaching your hands up to Him. He sees you trying to stay calm as the waves keep coming.
And He delights in your little arms raised up high to Him as you try. Because that is Trust. And it is so precious to Him.
Praying for you. Let me know how I can be better praying for you, loving you, or leaning into your boat - waves crashing all around (or maybe its sunny… that’s good, too!)
Love,
Anna
Comments